If we were to apply Saussure’s theory of language into that of running, we might discover the meaning of motivation and furthermore establish a basic understanding of where it originates from. (At the same time, keeping in mind Saussure’s argument on conformity to reality, this association of motivation is mine, so some might disregard this as imagined.) Finally, motivation will bring us back to the root of why I run.

As it applied several weeks ago, motivation had no meaning to my running. It was another word applied, but largely disconnected, to the mindless struggle of placing one foot in front of another at a rate which would redefine “run” to mean nothing. My actions of running held no regard for that which it should have meant to me; I could hardly understand running, as I was dislocated from what it meant in San Diego.

But to define my recent spark of motivation, scholars would argue that I simply acquired the linguistic understanding of motivation. In other words, I connected the sign, motivation, with its signifier, a conceptual understanding of my potential, with the signified, the sound-image of my motivation; “Yeah,” by Usher.

Motivation, as a concept, requires an understanding of one’s potential. The existence of a threshold in which to constantly strive for offers the concept of motivation to meet that threshold. Motivation, therefore, is a conscious effort to defy that runner’s potential, either meeting or surpassing it. In doing this, the signifier of working to that potential requires with it a signified sound-image in order for Motivation to exist as a sign.

Upon the initial beats of “Yeah,” the sound-image becomes a part of the concept of relating the conscious effort to defy my threshold of running with the now defined sign, running. Therefore, with Usher and motivation “run” becomes understood linguistically, allowing me to do that which I apparently hadn’t been able to do before- run.

Motivation is a runner’s best friend, and also worst enemy. When motivation is high, running is phenomenal. When motivation is low, there is nothing but time it seems until that motivation returns. It would seem obvious at this point (being as my last blog post in June was a missed marathon race) that my motivation has been on the down and outs in the last couple of months. When I moved to Omaha for graduate school, I was excited for a change, but not in my running. I am slowly realizing that I had taken San Diego for granted and the complaints about city running, the asphault, the hills are all very much missed as I struggle to do 30 minute runs.

Some of this lack of motivation I attribute to the fact that Omaha doesn’t know me as the runner (yes, those countless runner jokes and nicknames at eVisibility are highly missed). To most people I meet out here, I am the quiet English student, the California girl, or the distant cousin however many times removed. If no one expects me to run, of no one expects me to be the motivator, then doggone it, I ain’t gonna run. And at times, I do that. Instead of going one or two days without running before going crazy, I struggle to run every 3 or 4 days.

Until this week; and this is my challenge more than my motivation. I have designed a calendar upon which I have color-coded my runs. Any run lower than a certain time or number of miles will be colored red; anything over a certain goal will be green, and something in between will be orange. Thus, taking advantage of the last days of Fall, I will bring those colors to my running calendar.

*As my motivation increases, I hope also that my blog posts do as well. There is so much to write about in my experience in Omaha; it’s a shame for anyone to miss it (especially myself).

It’s a hard thing to get over. I went along as if everything would go smoothly. I didn’t plan ahead and I waited until the last minute to try and make it work. Many would say it’s my fault. But when I look back and think about the bib number that was supposed to be mine, I just feel empty and a large void in my heart fills with bitterness. Racing is that one relationship that you have where everything is somewhere between a happy comfortable and an obligatory love. On a day to day basis, you look ahead to the race with an eagerness to build as much strength and confidence in it, but once the process of going through it gets underway you begin to learn about those nagging little details that make it a little tough to handle at times.

I’ve never missed a road race that I signed up for. I’ve shown up slightly buzzed, with little or no sleep, and even found myself in a port-o-potty when the gun went off in more than one instance. But I’ve never missed a race, let alone made a decision not to go… until Seattle. And not running it feels like a bad breakup. Seeing results, reading blogs, and hearing about it ignite a deep tearing feeling deep in my gut making me angry at the world but even more at myself for effing it up and not putting more effort into it.

And then I begin to feel regret. If I had done just one thing different; purchased a plane ticket further than one week in advance, I might have had a better shot at going. And I can’t forget about the void that I had to try and fill all weekend; which failed miserably. I tried to go out and run a long 17 mile run to try and mimic the pain of the race, but instead I lied in bed and felt bad for myself. Finally, to make it all worse, I looked up the results of the race and saw that I might have placed in the top 25 females (assuming I at least tied my previous marathon time). If that wasn’t “just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic,” I don’t know what is.

1. Injury*- I have mentally battled this as well as physically. And it has been such a battle on me that I’ve started and deleted many blog posts because it is almost too discouraging. But now I come clean… I am constantly running on pavement (thanks to a full-time job that lies in the center of many business districts and an hour long lunch in which I squeeze in my daily runs). With that, in addition to the many hills throughout the city, it seems inevitable that my shins will act up here and there. However, and many long-time runners will agree on me with this, at what point do you attribute your lack of motivation in running to shin splints. This is not to say that shin splints are not a serious threat or that they should be ignored. In my running days, I have come across shin splints like lame pick up lines. You give them one cold treatment and they get the message and disappear. Recently, this has not been the case. My left shin would bother me walking around, running, even touching. Never having this extreme of a case of a shin splint, I worried my entire run that my leg might split in half and break mid-stride. This happened all the while that I told myself it wasn’t too bad and I could run through anything. Is this something that should have slowed me down? Should I have stopped? Taken days off? Or was it in my head? While I was able to talk myself into getting out to run each day, I decreased my distance and intensity while increasing icing time. It’s getting better, but still mentally hurts.

*While I write strictly about shin splints in this entry, I have the same problem with Plantar Fasciitis on my right foot.

2. Yoga- I started adding yoga into my weekly routine in order to help my flexibility. While I am much more flexible than before, it has slightly taken a toll on my running; at least an immediate toll. The days that I do yoga, my runs are substantially more of a struggle and I constantly feel the need to work much harder to maintain my stride and pace- thusly affecting my energy efficiency. But, like the injury, do I let this interfere with my motivation and running ability? Is it becoming too much that I am threatening my running athleticism for yoga? Or can I even blame the yoga for my efficiency in running? This decision needs more time, since I am relatively new to yoga.

3. Diet- I live by a strange dieting regimen; semi-healthily (but lazy) during the week, awful on weekends, and snacking 24/7. Weekends consist of at least 3 fast food meals, while the weekdays consist of either pasta or some sort of frozen food. I don’t have the diet that many athletes would deem appropriate; but to many people that are just looking at me(not meant in any cocky way), I “have nothing to worry about.” O-contraire, mon-frère! It worries me to a semi-large extent. No matter my shape or fitness, it is unhealthy and affects my running. This is why I have tried on a number of occasions to give up fast food (and have done so successfully) for a period of time and have just been defeated on my first detox attempt. Of course, my mistakes in the detox led to the defeat (making exceptions such as coffee, etc), but still trying to run despite the obvious lack of energy sources even further defeated my runs, and thus, my motivation.

While the typical tone in many of my posts have been optimistic and motivating (at least I hope so), I hope that this honesty still motivates, but also makes running and exercising more realistic. Often times we get into this dream bubble that nothing can stop us and nothing will bring us down (this often happens after a PR in a race or a great workout). And worst of all, we all at some point deny that we are ever vulnerable or experience any doubt in our running. But of course, I speak for myself…

Last year at this time I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was avoiding the task of learning how to move on. We had been on the verge of the outs for an amount of time, so it could be considered an expected event. Learning to be alone though, that is never something that you can prepare for. Training-wise, I not only set my expectations so high, but I set them as if I knew I would fail. I hadn’t trained for the race, thinking that I could run another 3:27 like I did the first time. I guess I didn’t figure in a time prediction that added a minute per pound that I gained since then.

Thinking back to the race not only defeats me, but it puts me right back in the heartbroken and slower spot that I finished the race in. I hung my finisher’s certificate on my wall, forcing me to read it every day; forcing me to remember what I did to deserve that. Sometimes it can pump me up, but mostly it disappoints me.

This year should be different. I have reconciled with boyfriend, and we maintain a strong friendship that should motivate me this year instead of crushing me like last year. I have been training more and more, some mileage increase but mostly intensity. As I prepare to set this year’s expectations, I think back on the mistakes I made last year and how I have changed in order to hopefully avoid the same outcome. I still have my expectations set up for defeat, but with the prior knowledge of it. I don’t learn from all of my defeats, and I don’t always improve or succeed the second time. But I do get to go into it in a better mental and physical state; and that gives me hope.

Getting prepared for a run like this I had to make the run much less intimidating; Solana, Encinitas, Leucadia, College Hill, work. All I had to do was run from point to point. This stop sign, that light; couple hills, you got this, E. I had some jelly beans in the little pocket of my running tights and my iPod to keep me distracted. I was chugging along, waving at passer bys, enjoying the view….

…and then i got hit with lack of motivation. I am not sure what to attribute it to; the mini streets where cars don’t think about pedestrians, bikers and traffic trying to share lanes with me, or just fear that I still might not make a good time it if I kept this same pace. I contemplated calling co-workers to come pick me up; I stopped at stoplights just to stop (most runners run lights when they can); and worst of all began thinking about this performance in a marathon, let alone a half!

By the time I got within two miles of work, I had managed to re-energize myself to make it up the mile-long College Hill. Arriving at work, fatigued and disappointed, I had clocked the same damn half-marathon time that I have been running for years; STILL unable to break it. Walking into the office, I had the admiration of co-workers to lift my spirits and to take the run positively. As many of yesterday’s team members approached to talk of sore muscles and lactic acid, I immediately smiled as I knew in a matter of minutes I would have those same complaints….

… at lunch, Tyler asked; “So you think you’ll ever run from your new place in PB?”

… Wonder what the title of that blog post will be…

It is one of the biggest challenges of running; to stick to your plan, go out, and potentially have the run of your life. It’s much easier to shorten it, run it at a slower pace, or to not even run it at all (if, suppose, you are starving at the time and would rather just eat instead). Every runner knows that after a short warm-up, any doubts will disappear and they will feel better about the run, stick to their original plan, and be happy after the run. But how many of us actually think that far in advance when we are putting our running shoes on? 

If you find yourself doubting how a run will go, how you will do, or whether you even want to do it, a simple trick that running magazines won’t tell you is to SUCK IT UP. Think about the blacked out/ missed workout on your calendar. Or better yet, think about the starving children in Africa that– (just kidding- Bless their poor hearts). If that doesn’t work, another trick is to think about the halfway point and getting there. Once you get halfway, it is just a countdown until you are done. In the end, the point is to challenge yourself to beat your negativity. You never know; you could surprise yourself with a good run (it works for me, anyways).

2. Run sub 3:10 marathon

3. Run in another country

4. Re-Implement 4-minute “no more flub six pack club” abs

5. Apply for grad school

*This is for my own sake. So I have them written somewhere- help if you wish.

 The first run biznack brotha a marathon is like… well, like yo first run. I rememba mah fiznirst cross country practice . I started yo shit and i’ll end yo’ shit. I came ta practice in some Fizzle tennis shoes, think’n they wizzy good enough runn’n shoes coz they were tha sportiest shoes I had cuz Im tha Double O G. I was doing tha short rizzle which was `bout a 10 minute warm-up, stretch, n thizzen a 10 minute run bizzy ta school. I didn’t “know” how ta run, so I put one fizzle in F-R-to-tha-izzont of tha otha, stared dizzay at mah shadow, n curled mah arms up in fear that I might look like I don’t knizzay how ta run. I couldn’t quite git a steady rhythm yeah yeah baby. My legs were runn’n a muck n mah breath’n, oh man, I fizzay like I was blow’n out candles but had ta do it only breath’n out mah nizzle , chill yo. I thought thizzay if I had ta breathe in n out of mah grill that thugz would kizzle thiznat I didn’t know ho ta run . Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. `bout 2 minutes into tha rizzun, I was breath’n heavily, dragg’n mah feet, n want’n ta gizzle up straight from long beach nigga. Thizzat seems like just yesterday fo’ real.

Wait, it was in all flavas. I ran fo` tha first tizzy this week, n felt like I didn’t know what I was do’n. I tried ta run brotha than mah last few miles of tha marathon, but who knows if I really was. Probably not now pass the glock Anotha dogg house production.. I riznan, did tha usual run shiznit. I even timed it! But it was awkward n ended up being a rizzle blingin’ with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back. It was gonna takes time until I gots back into it.

I go through many thoughts and feelings when I run in the rain. At first I get excited that a rare day has come that it will rain (born and raised in SoCal, I will face the stereotype and agree that it doesn’t rain as much as in other places). The excitement is shortly overtaken by an uncomfortable feeling. It is always uncomfortable getting wet when you weren’t planning on it or expecting it. That feeling is quickly washed away as I am soaked from head to toe and all I have left to do is to keep running. Finally, I have to get over the fact that people driving by in their heated, dry cars will probably think I am a nut for running in the rain. And from that point on, it’s just me running in the rain.

It finally rained the other day, and I took that to my advantage and, well, I ran. Most people use the rain as an excuse of why they won’t be able to work out. I use it as an excuse to do more.   I ran, got drenched, felt like people thought I was crazy, and enjoyed every step of the run. Indulge in your chocolate ice cream if you want to, I am going for a run.