Erin Go Run

Mile 14    split: 6:44   marathon time: 1:48:28

Running along my merry little way, I started into the area of the race where I was running alone with not many fans around to cheer for me. However, we did have personalized bib numbers, so people were able to cheer for yours truly by name. A couple people shouted for me as I ran by, and one little girl even commented about how fast I was running. Thank you, girl. I was mid-mile when I came up to a camera man that was shooting pictures of the race that would later be sold. Unlike I normally do in races, I looked directly at them, smiled, and waved. These photo ops are typically used to make a bad race look good. No matter what stance you are in, the main goal is to have your photo taken slightly from the side. That way any rolls that are flapping around look a little bit more stretched out, your stride looks impeccable, as no one can really tell what point in the stride you are in.

Not today, though. I was waving and flailing all around, trying to add attention to my race. I didn’t care how my fat looked; I just wanted everyone to know how fast I looked.

Mile 15    split: 7:37   marathon time: 1:56:05

Somehow my sense of time got taken off its kilter because as I scanned the clock and punched in my split, I somehow thought it was only 8am and that my friends wanting to watch me in a couple of miles I told not to be there until at least 8:30. I even told them that was early, and I might not even be there for a while (remember, back at the beginning of the race I thought I was going to have a super slow super shitty race). I spent a good portion of the mile worrying that I would not see them. This made me sad, as I haven’t had anyone present to watch me at a race since my parents in college. At one point, I even asked myself if I should slow down so that I wouldn’t pass through those miles before they got there. Of course, that was short lived as I started making up funny little quips to excuse myself when they were pissed at me afterwards; “Sorry guys, I was running so fast, I didn’t even realize that I would have gone through that point so quickly”… and that was even more short-lived when I looked at the real-time on my watch and realized it was already 8:30 and I wouldn’t see them for another 3 miles.

Mile 16   split: 7:35    marathon time: 2:03:41

 LezzBizzle!!!!! Right before the start of the race, my old Jamba Lesbian friend (she hates when I make the obvious even more obvious) called and told me that she was handing out water at mile 16. I figured I was going to be running a stupid race, I could stop and chat with her; or at least let her try to make a move on me (in running tights I like to think of myself as irresistible). But as I was in the midst of a record-breaking time, I thought I would still have time to stop to give my other fans a chance to settle in at mile 18 and 19. On the contrary, one cannot stop at such a point. I was coming up to the water station and started looking out for a boyish looking girl by clothes, little doll face with rosy cheeks (yes lezbizz, your cheeks are rosy and feminine). I saw the perfect candidate and as I was approaching, she started to cheep pretty loud. I raised my hands as if I was, for the first time, finishing a race and almost began screaming lesbian obscenities (its allowed, this was not my typical race)…..

…. And suddenly realized that that wasn’t Lezbizz; it was a lesbian. Stupidly, and finally in this race humbly, I lowered my arms and continued running; searching, where is she, where is she….

…Lezbizz!! As I snatched (no pun intended) water from her hands, she told me I was a rockstar and I smiled and said I know. And that was lezbizz….