Giving up has never been something to boast about, but it faces us at certain times in our lives and challenges us to either stand up to it and succeed or let it overpower us and mark us with defeat. About one year ago, I faced not my biggest failure, but definitely had some challenges that tried damn hard to make me fail. In the end, I probably did. But now I have a second chance. Even though I am much happier now than I was a year ago, it doesn’t make me feel any more prepared for something like success.
Last year at this time I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was avoiding the task of learning how to move on. We had been on the verge of the outs for an amount of time, so it could be considered an expected event. Learning to be alone though, that is never something that you can prepare for. Training-wise, I not only set my expectations so high, but I set them as if I knew I would fail. I hadn’t trained for the race, thinking that I could run another 3:27 like I did the first time. I guess I didn’t figure in a time prediction that added a minute per pound that I gained since then.
Thinking back to the race not only defeats me, but it puts me right back in the heartbroken and slower spot that I finished the race in. I hung my finisher’s certificate on my wall, forcing me to read it every day; forcing me to remember what I did to deserve that. Sometimes it can pump me up, but mostly it disappoints me.
This year should be different. I have reconciled with boyfriend, and we maintain a strong friendship that should motivate me this year instead of crushing me like last year. I have been training more and more, some mileage increase but mostly intensity. As I prepare to set this year’s expectations, I think back on the mistakes I made last year and how I have changed in order to hopefully avoid the same outcome. I still have my expectations set up for defeat, but with the prior knowledge of it. I don’t learn from all of my defeats, and I don’t always improve or succeed the second time. But I do get to go into it in a better mental and physical state; and that gives me hope.